Koshish...

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Naakamiyon se humko ab na koi sarokaar hai

Mehrumiyon ka ab to zikr bhi bekaar hai

Ashkon ne saare daagh zamaane ke dho diye

jo baaki hai wo ek hasrat-e-anwaar hai

jabeen ko sajdon se ab koi gila nahi raha

teri parastish pe ab dil ko bhi aitbaar hai

Mai bimar-e-rahat hun is dasht-e-sehra mein

darmiyaan tishnagi-o-taskeen ke ek gard ki deewaar hai

 

Falak chhuna hai to dhoop mein jhulasna bhi hoga

Bulandi ki ye shart nakaabil-e-taqraar hai

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Finally!

I have always had a dearth of girlfriends…not that I didn’t have any…but the kind where I knew I can always count upon were scarce
I have had some wonderful female friends in school and college too. But over time, we lost touch…maybe because they shifted to far away places, maybe the effort to keep in touch wasn’t enough…
I have some good male friends…but its not the same (boys will always be…well.. boys after all) I longed for someone I could talk to for hours…about anything under the sun…giggles in the midst of tears, jokes in the midst of ‘oh so serious’ discussions, jumping topics, and then coming back without losing track…philosophy interspersed with recipes, fears sprinkled with talks about hopes, love, care, understanding, admiration, adoration and reprimands too…something which only girls can do…I mean simultaneously ;)

Thanks Shazia for being there…we have laughed together, cried together, dreamt together and prayed together…even without having met each other…you are the sister I never had…

And Juliana…zooolliiieeeeeee…though I have known you only for slightly more than a year, I have had wonderful times with you… and we both know we just cannot be serious in each others’ company. The past one year would not have been the same without you…

Love you girls!!!

Something that was left unsaid....

Sometimes it so happens....

That you meet someone who changes your life, gives it a meaning, walks the distances with you and yet...
You realize you need to get away, you realize you are chaining that person and yourself too, you realize you cannot give what is expected and cannot accept what you are being given, you realize that its better to be just friends...All this not because you suddenly start hating that person. Also not because you don't realize their worth. Its because sometimes 'walking away' is the only way you can survive, and let the other person live too...its not easy, but it needs to be done...

To the one who knows what this is all about...
There were reasons we met, reasons for the good times and reasons for the bad times, and most importantly a reason to end. We have more to learn, more to experience and more loving to do in this lifetime...

maybe the definitions have changed...but you are still loved and respected...and will always be...

The meow effect!

On my way to work today morning, I came across a particularly cute kitten...she had the most beautiful cat eyes I had ever seen (and I have seen plenty). I was getting late for work, but I just had to spend some time with her....and finally, the kitten won...and it made my day :)

From the time I remember, I have had cats at home. But the last few years have been different...devoid of these exquisite creatures. My friends think its funny to like a cat...i don't agree...I love everything a cat represents, yeah...even that 'attitude'.

People say cats don't care as dogs do....but then why should they? They are, after all, royalty and they are fully aware of this fact. Just look at them walk, and stare at you with those piercing eyes...they are the epitome of sophistication, cunning, intelligence, style and grace and class...they know what they are all about...and they make you forget that they are narcissists too. At the same time, you just can't keep a straight face when a kitten is around. They make you forget all your worries for sometime, and the utter self-confidence, well...that's something that can be learnt from cats.

Ellen Perry says, 'As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat' and its true. But that's what makes a cat so endearing. Tamed, but untamed at heart, at home, but still in the wilderness, owned, but not possessed...Dying to get one home...So long kitty...love your tashan!!!

After a while...

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every good-bye, you learn.

Notes to Myself - By Hugh Prather

I have had this book with me for years, and i never found the time or inclination to pick it up and read it (though i have been voraciously reading mindless novels).

And now that I have started reading it, this book has made me ask a 1000 questions to myself. The name of the book might sound cliched, but the book isn't. If anything, its lucid, profound and sincere. And it makes you wonder. It makes you feel like looking at a new star in the sky, or maybe looking at an old one with new perception. Any one line from this book could make you realize some aspect of your own behavior, that might have gone undetected, even by you for all your life. Go read it...and then read it!

Some of the gems from this treasure trove...

1. Today, I don’t want to live for. I want to live
2. Whenever I find myself arguing for something with great passion, I can be certain I’m not convinced.
3. When someone disagrees with me, I do not have to immediately start revising what I just said.
4. If you tell me the way you see it rather than the way it is, then this helps me to more fully discover the way I see it.
5. What did I do to deserve birth? It was gift.
6. The most realistic attitude for me to have toward future consequences is ‘it will be interesting to see what happens’. Excitement, dejection and boredom assume a knowledge of results that I cannot have.
7. My trouble is, I analyze life instead of live it.
8. The bully in me always bullies in the name of principle or in the name of rules. The bully in me always has a reason for its actions and that reason is always idealistic. This part of me is a sissy-it hides behind ‘what is right’, so I won’t have to admit my desire to hurt.
9. Happiness is a present attitude and not a future condition.
10. My feelings do change and that I can have a hand in changing them. They change simply by my becoming aware of them. When I acknowledge my feelings, they become more positive. And they change when I express them. For example, if I tell a man I don’t like him, I usually like him better.
11. I choose to use my own mind. I do not need your mind. I want to experience you, listen to you - not to myself. I have already heard everything I have to say. You are what is novel about this conversation.
12. The configuration of most situations implies through tradition, a corresponding emotion. E.g., your wife goes out on you therefore you are enraged (when actually you might be aroused). I often respond the way I should feel rather than the way I do feel. Confusion or indecision is a good thing this is happening.
13. The most realistic attitude for me to have toward future consequences is ‘it will be interesting to see what happens’. Excitement, dejection and boredom assume a knowledge of results that I cannot have.
14. The comment ‘you’re lucky; it could have been worse’, is the kind of helpfulness I can do without. It also could have been better, or actually, it couldn’t have been any other way than the way it was.
15. Most decisions, possibly all, have already been made on some deeper level and my going through a reasoning process to arrive at them seems at least redundant.'

And the 2 most brilliant ones...

• If a man takes off his sunglasses I can hear him better
• I have already heard everything I have to say

Today is my turn!

I am not a celebrity. I am sure there wont be many takers for my blog. And i don't mind that at all!!

because this blog is a sincere effort by me to get acquainted with myself, without any worries, any pre-conceived notions, and without any expectations. It is to keep my feet on ground, and let my soul free.
"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you. It is when you don't understand yourself." I am embarking on a journey to discover me, to understand me, to love me and to nurture me. Sounds selfish??? well no...it absolutely isnt...

A few moons back (seems like eons to me though), when i used to look in the mirror, i used to find a stranger staring back at me. A stranger because it wasn't me...in any way...and hence it didn't behave like me. It's behavior fed itself on what was expected from it, misconceptions about it. Its face was contorted by the pain of being someone else, its skin pale by the fear of losing itself. And though it did what was expected of it, the effort always fell short of satisfaction, for everyone.

And then something happened that broke the mirror. Now i could see myself, understand myself, and as a result, i was able to understand others as never before. I knew what i was about. I was me...i AM me!

So, to keep in touch with my real self, I'll keep jotting some notes to myself - to hear my voice, to see my face, to understand my feelings, to above all - to be friends with myself...and i believe it is a beginning of a lifelong friendship...