Don't know what to call this...

I have just lost someone to mortality. The relationship was unique...in the sense..you can have only one of that kind. What i cannot bring myself to say is that i have lost my father. I never called him dad or abba. I could never think of him in that way. But then am i mourning the loss? i don't know...maybe not...the loss of the person doesn't flinch me much . I don't know if i ever truly loved him. Then what am i so upset about? Maybe the missed opportunities to mend something, the chance that things might change yet, the possibility of asking him why he was the way he was, the likelihood of looking him in the eye and asking him why didn't he take any efforts, and finally the prospect of meeting him in person and asking for forgiveness for the lack of efforts on my side. The questions are all there, the answers lost forever.


Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un
May you find your place in heaven. Rest in peace...Abba...

اَللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِحَيِّنَا وَمَيِّتِنَا وَشَاهِدِنَا وَغَائِبِنَا وَصَغِيْرِنَا وَكَبِيْرِنَا وَذَكَرِنَا وَأُنْثَانَا. اَللَّهُمَّ مَنْ أَحْيَيْتَهُ مِنَّا فَأَحْيِهِ عَلَى اْلإِسْلاَمِ، وَمَنْ تَوَفَّيْتَهُ مِنَّا فَتَوَفَّهُ عَلَى اْلإِيْمَانِ، اَللَّهُمَّ لاَ تَحْرِمْنَا أَجْرَهُ وَلاَ تُضِلَّنَا بَعْدَهُ